Some pictures of happiness...

A flower in one of my gardens that is saying "it's too cold outside so I'm going to make myself into a cup."  I think it's just a beautiful image, and it brings me happiness.  And my dog Beatrice, who is always happy.

Ponderings...

Recently...ok...for some time I have had various ponderings about OUR nature and thought I'd scribble them down:

Most of us, perhaps all of us (humans) cannot take news of other peoples' misfortunes to heart unless we have a personal connection.  For instance, most people in America really don't feel any sadness when they hear a suicide bomber just killed 80 women and children in Iraq.  They might be displeased, but certainly not SAD.  Another example... a millionaire might be displeased when they hear news of a hurricane katrina victim who lost their house and job and everything they own, but they aren't SAD.  Another example, perhaps one of the best, is when our political leaders vote to send our armed forces to war.  It's easy to do if you don't have any children in the military who would be placed directly in harms way!  And for those politicians who do have children in the military, you can bet they are well protected, and almost never put in any harmful military situation.  This is why we Americans tend to not get very riled up about the war in Iraq or Afghanistan... I mean, yes, we get riled up because we think it's ridiculous to invade a country that has never attacked us, and because we KNOW that it's really only about controlling oil and/or the general resources available in those countries--- but we don't really let it weigh on our hearts... unless we have a friend, a sibling, a son, a daughter, a father, a mother... unless we have some personal connection to it, which actually causes us to worry, and to be relieved (but never happy) when things go well and to be sad and fearful when things don't...  what is this all about?

We'll just let people get KILLED... fucking KILLED! and not think twice about it!  

What brought this up to me today was hearing that a plane with 50 people crashed into a house in New York... all dead.  I immediately started thinking of how horrific it must have been for the people on the plane, feeling the aircraft lurch to the side, dive down and without any warning, crash into the ground.  I had this connection to that plane crash... but the same day 80 people died in a suicide bombing in Iraq... just fucking blown to pieces... and I was just emotionally neutral... I was perturbed that such a thing happened, and certainly think it is a horrific and bad thing...but I didn't FEEL for those people.  If we could actually FEEL for all the people who are getting killed, hurt, robbed, and raped in this world, there might actually be something akin to world peace... but... I really doubt this will happen anytime soon.

One reaction to this frustration of disconnect is to bring the situation to the people...  show them what it feels like to have one of your relatives killed, you know?  Oh, you don't understand what it's like to have your children killed by a misguided US missile?  Here, let me show you.  You know?  That's one way of reacting, but it doesn't achieve the intended goal because, like revenge, it simply would breed more violence and intolerance, etc.  From my limited understanding of what's going on between the Palestinians and the Israelis... that's some deep rooted hate, both sides with grievances that reach back generations.

Anyway, my point is... what is this disconnect, why do we still let it affect us when we know it's there?

I'm tired and cold.... I'll post more ponderings later...

Another year to...

...mull about why I do the things I know I shouldn't and why I don't do the things I know I should!

2008 came, birthed in sourness, draped in self-discovery, and ended in better shape than it started.  I left 2008 heavier and balder, but my spirit (aka my light, aka... me) managed to remember more of itself by the end-- meaning I had spiritual growth.  This growth manifested itself in an expressed desire to become psychic, or, technically, a desire to hone my already present psychic abilities.

This endeavor will be expensive... totaling some $1400.  But it is not a rip off, as I'll probably get way more than I'm paying for in the form of readings and extended mentoring sessions.  I will know for sure if I can pursue this sooner than later once I get my taxes done.

I have also noticed that I have gotten better at moving my creative energy through my chakras.  My psychic told me that much of my creative energy gets "stuck" in my third chakra, i.e. my stomach, which is the center of "control".  I needed to be accessing my creative energy (when writing music) from higher chakras if I was to grow... and now I literally/physically can move my energy up up up and it makes a difference!  I'm still just as distracted as ever, but the act of writing music isn't as excruciating as it used to be.

I also have given some thought to obtaining a prescription to Aderol, as I think it may be a better alternative to filling my veins with poisonous amounts of caffeine in order to focus.  This would require a visit to a psychiatrist, and I'm not quite sure how to go about that just yet. 

My wife and I are going to start trying to have a baby this year.  In nine months time I might possibly be able to add "father" to the list of things I contemplate deeply--how exciting that will be. :)

Looking forward to a healthier 2009, full of surprises, sacrifices, and abundance!

New Look

So I've been contemplating how to go about making my blog more visually suitable. I know there are probably 3.2 billion websites that would offer some form of assistance in this manner, but I'm curious if anyone who reads my insufferable ponderings has any advice. Ok, I realize that in all likelyhood there is only ONE person who reads my blog, and you know who you are, and I'm not specifically targetting you. But I wouldn't mind knowing your thoughts, if you have any to give.

This post, btw, is out of character from my entire purpose of this blog (see blog #1), but fucking fuck it to hell. Whateva, I'll do what I want! *sigh*

This dang blog is so generic looking. So very Microsoft-resume-template. So very free-business-cards. It's not just because I want to look the part I feel like I'm playing in other people's eyes. I just don't feel like my words are in a proper home yet. It's like my words are lying around on the gray, cold, vapid cement foundation of a house, looking up at the sheetrock walls from their two-dimensional plane and wondering they the hell nobody has painted anything, or put up a damn picture, or curtains. Yes, I'm a male, but that doesn't mean style and visual appeal is beyond the reaches of that which I appreciate and/or desire.

I'm fat.

Alive

So today I've recognized in some clarity that I find great pleasure in making other people (or life forms, to be more accurate) happy.  I get great satisfaction out of helping others, and I think this is what makes me a good teacher.  I'm not one to excessively dole out my energy and resources at the expense of others, but I certainly am willing and, when I do, I am happy.

I thought of this as I was driving home from seeing a movie today-- a good movie.  Good movies (seen in theaters) give me a really nice boost-- they make me feel alive, excited to live... like I can do anything.  Maybe because I get lost in the story... I let myself really connect with what I'm watching.  Who knows.  All I know is how I feel coming out. :)

The other thought I had on my way home was the observation that in moments like this (feeling alive, energized, etc) I feel like I can do anything.  I feel like I can sit down and write great, satisfying music that will just seethe with originality and intrigue, but yet when I sit down to do this-- the feeling dissappears.  The energy is drained, it evaporates.  When I commence in doing anything of substance that I have eagerly anticipated, somehow it feels like work, and therefore as I do it, I want to stop doing it.  It's fucked up.  It's like ADD, but only applied to things that are good for me to do, and which I enjoy.  So what is the deal?

Recently I picked up a book on addiction.  One thing that lept out at me as I read was the author's assertion that every addictive behavior is a result of the person trying to resolve an otherwise intolerable situation and that the relief did not come when the persons began their addictive behavior (i.e. consuming alcohol, taking drugs, eating, cleaning, whatever), but when they made the decision to begin their addictive behavior (i.e. walking into the bar, taking out a glass from the cupboard, opening the fridge, etc).  The relief came when they decided to do something, not when they actually did it.  What a mental quagmire, I thought.  Can I, therefore, trick myself into being relieved and still be productive?  Can I somehow allow myself the relief I get from distraction, but not fully participate in the distractive (ahem, addictive) behavior?  

Writing music is a perfect example for me, since it is very real...very now.  I have a great job, one that many many composers would die to get, and while it isn't at the top, it's still awesome.  I get paid to write music!  ok?  Sweet, right?  So I sit down to commence in the project, to let my creative juices flow and get paid to create.  What a dream job!  But then all I want to do is anything and everything BUT write music.  It's a chore.  I don't want to do it.  It's like pushing a train with my bare hands--my mind is.  "Noo....ehhhhhh!" it says.  Anything but that!  And I literally feel like I could be this way with anything:  like if my job was to have sex with amazingly hot women, I would suddenly prefer to mow the lawn over having sex with amazingly hot women.  So what IS this?  What is this avoidance?  Am I addicted to distraction?  And why?  Why can't I just actually enjoy my work?  I enjoy it when it isn't work...so why can't I enjoy it when it is?  It's the same damn thing.  It's all in my mind.  I guess I'm not a robot for a reason...  humans have emotions and mental problems akin to this for a reason I believe.  I don't know what the fucking reason is... but I believe there is a purpose.

Rambling, I know.  Not sure the point of this post... but just getting some thoughts out.

Goodbye Mr. K

It was a dream, but it was still a goodbye.  Perhaps this means it's time for me to move on from the plane of life I have been on for some time, on to the next phase, the next...whatever.  Perhaps you actually are dying, or are dead, but in either case...  your being in my dream has helped me move forward.  My kindest thanks and best wishes on your safe passage to wherever you are going.

It is certainly starting to be autumn now... cooler days that prod me to remember those spent in areas that actually had trees and wind and apples and crisp autumn days that weren't yet as cold as winter.  This is my favorite time of year--in other places.  Here in California it's just all sun, all the time.  But even here mother nature can't help but throw hints of her spiced autumnal breath past us every now and again.

Now.

It is not over yet.

I have much yet to do.

I am ready.

Show me.